I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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