I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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