Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
