I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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