Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
