I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
