i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
