he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
