Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
