Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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