He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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