i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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