i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
