So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
