My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
