Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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