Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
