Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
