My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Someone shattered a urinal.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
