Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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