my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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