Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
