We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
