Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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