so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
