thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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