Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
