3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
As shirtless as possible
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
