I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
