I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
