I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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