I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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