Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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