fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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