I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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