I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
