sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
