Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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