I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
