It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
