yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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