If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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