if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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