You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
