This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
