Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
