i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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