I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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