why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
