you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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