I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
