So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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