I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
