So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
