I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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