They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
